Africans in America
Episode #1419

Host:	Jay Holloway
Graham:	Stedman Graham

Holloway:
You may know him as Oprah's boyfriend but you should know him as Chairman and CEO of a firm that provides management and marketing services, specializing in sports, entertainment and minority markets. He's also highly active in community service. Plus he's the author of this book, You Can Make It Happen: A 9 Step Plan for Success. So call your friends and tell them to tune in. We'll be talking about how to become successful, his North Carolina connections, racial issues and Oprah. Stedman Graham is next on Black Issues Forum. [BREAK]

Holloway:
This face is one that most of the world should know as Oprah's boyfriend. In his book, You Can Make It Happen: A 9 Step Plan for Success, he says, "For a long time, it chewed me up when people treated me as nothing more than Oprah's boyfriend. But as I developed the success process that is the heart of this book, I learned not only to deal with people who don't really know me, I learned to know myself." Stedman Graham is Chairman and CEO of SGA, Incorporated and Graham, Gregory, Bozzell, Incorporated, a firm that provides management and marketing consulting services related to sports and entertainment. He's a partner in Kemper Golf Management, director for George Washington University's Forum for Sports and Events Management and Marketing. And he writes a monthly lifestyle column for Inside Sports magazine. He's founder of Athletes Against Drugs and serves on the national boards of the Urban League and Junior Achievement. And also he has a bachelor's degree from Hart and Simmons University in Abilene, Texas and his Master's degree from Ball State University in Munsee, Indiana. Good evening and welcome to Black Issues Forum. I'm Joy Holloway, your host. And Stedman, welcome to North Carolina and Black Issues Forum.

Graham:
My pleasure. Nice to be here. Thank you for having me.

Holloway:
Yes, we're indeed happy to have you here. Let's jump right to this. What brought about you writing this book and in so many ways, getting out from under this Oprah Winfrey kind of aura.

Graham:
Well, I think number one, people would not know me if it was not for my relationship and being associated with Oprah. Let me get that straight. And I appreciate that. A lot of times that will get me in the door. But once I get in the door, then I have to perform. And I have to bring something to the table. I took me a long time to understand that, because for a long time I just fought against the title of being Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend. Because, you know, my name is Stedman Graham. But, you know, it took me a while to understand that I have to define myself. Nobody else can define me. I'm very comfortable with who I am and what I've done in my life and I wrote the book, The 9 Step Plan to Success, because we have these 40, 50 and sometimes 60% drop out rates in our school systems in the country. And I felt like the message was wrong to our young people. We're giving them the wrong message. The message was focused more on social/political issues and not on excellence, you know, not on getting a high school education. Because when it comes down to it, it doesn't make any difference, you know, what color you are, what you gender is, what your circumstances are in your life. The most important thing is improving the quality of your life and your family's life through excellence and that involves training, that involves skills, that involves getting a job, that involves making a decent living, that involves taking care of your family and you have to take care of yourself first. So I wanted this book to focus on investing in people's lives personally, for themselves.

Holloway:
So that helped you in the midst of all this other attention, really, come to know yourself and you discovered this process and you're sharing it with others.

Graham:
Well, I discovered there was a process for success and the process for success is the same for everybody. And that's the secret. And what we try to do and what I try to do through seminars and speaking and through my book is to bridge the gap between education and the real world and make education relevant to everyday living. And when I discovered that process, I said, "Oh, this is it. This is the secret." And understanding yourself, check your ID, is the first step, you know, in knowing who you are. I mean, that was a big part of my self-discovery - excuse me - because I didn't know who I was as a person. And that's critical. That's your base.

Holloway:
Well, let me ask you. I know a lot of people are probably saying, "Okay, that's fine, but you are a successful businessman, you have an associate, a friend who's the most well-known African American woman in the world. You're going to be successful anyway."

Graham:
Doesn't mean the success is easy for me just because I have someone who is well-known and famous, because her money is her money. She's developed that. And people don't give you credibility because you're in a relationship with someone who's famous. It is really probably ten times as worse because when I used to walk into corporate America and ask for the job, you know, they say, "Why are you here? You know, we're not interested in giving you the account. Where's Oprah?"

Holloway:
Right.

Graham:
So when you have to deal with that and you reach somebody and you deal with somebody who's reaching 20 million people then in 115 countries and you're in a situation where people don't respect your relationship because you're the man and the woman makes more money than you. And you're a Black man in America trying to built value for yourself and you have that obstacle and that albatross around your neck every time you walk into a place and people identify you as somebody else and you can't stand on your own. And you can survive that. And if I can do it based on the situation I'm in, then anybody can do it if they understand the process of success. And that's what this talk's about. And what it does, once you understand this and once you get it, it allows you to be free for the first time in your life. And I can say on this show that I'm a free Black man, you know, without any hindrance to the color of my skin, which used to hold me back; my circumstances, which used to hold me back. And so I feel like I can do anything and be anything. I truly feel that today, if I understand the process of how, if I'm able to put the work and the time into developing that and if I'm able to understand who I am as a person.

Holloway:
We'll talk about Oprah and that relationship later in the show, but this first step in your book of Check Your ID and you've done a good job of explaining that. But one other thing I want to talk about in that aspect before we move to the next step is a certain amount, when you're talking about checking your ID - and I going to move this in kind of a race relation thing - certain African Americans who have received a certain amount of celebrity status almost move beyond the ID of being Black. Or just referred to, I mean, Oprah and Michael Jackson, they aren't necessarily referred to as Blacks because they have entrees and perhaps you do. Do you want to address that in terms of checking your ID?

Graham:
Well, Check Your ID means that you understand who you are as a person. And it also means that you're not focusing on Black. You're focusing on human beings. And people look at them as human because I think they transcend race. And you know, race is a state of mind. You know, you are who you are based on who you think you are. And if you walk out everyday thinking you're Black and that you're a victim of the color of your skin, then you won't be able to do anything. And that's part of the problem that we have with our young people today, where they're so focused on the color of their skin that they can't get past their own lack of achievement and they can't begin to develop a process for success because they think the color of their skin will hold them back as soon as they walk in the door. Yes, there's discrimination. Yes, you're a victim of a racist situation sometimes. But those are obstacles and you have to overcome those obstacles. But how you think about yourself and how you feel about yourself determines how other people see you and how they react to you.

Holloway:
Well, that's why we think that this issue and your book are so important as a Black issue because those are some of the issues we have to struggle with to overcome. Your next step is Creating Your Vision. What do you mean by that?

Graham:
Creating your vision means developing a life's destination. Where are you going to be in five years? Where are you going to be next month? Or what kind of life do you want to lead for the future? If you don't develop a vision for yourself, it's very difficult to be able to set goals, because you don't know where you're going. And often times when I'm speaking to high school students, I say, "Don't wait until the last quarter in high school to decide all of a sudden now you want to go to college." It doesn't work that way. It's very difficult because you're taking all of these courses that are not college related. And so, when I tell them, I say, start early, set a vision for yourself here and then build backwards. Then set goals. Accomplish those goals. And then create new goals. And you'll reach your vision, then set a new vision. And that's how you achieve success in life, one of the ways.

Holloway:
That's probably a good transition to the next one, in terms of Developing Your Travel Plan. I think about this Alice in Wonderland, "if you don't know where you're going, it doesn't matter how you get there."

Graham:
Well, planning is very, very important. And without planning you loose a lot of time. You know, because if you, and also people take up your time every single day. If you don't control your life and if you're not accountable for the work that you do every single day, then what happens is all these obstacles and all these other things is life will take up your time. People will call you and say, "You know what, Jay, I've got some things I want you to do this week. Can you help me out?" And if you don't have any plans, you say, "no problem." And if you continually do that without knowing who you are, without having a vision, without having a plan, then you are really wasting your time. And time is the only thing you can't get back. You can't buy time.

Holloway:
This is useful information no matter what line of work you're in, whether you're a homebody person or whether you're a CEO. I mean, these are the kinds of things you can really just pick up and use.

Graham:
That's what makes it so fascinating. And that's what gives you the freedom to be able to be anything you want to because the process works for anybody regardless of what background you have and who you are.

Holloway:
Now, your next step is Step into the Outer Limits. What do you mean by that?

Graham:
Well, what I mean is overcoming your fears. It's that we grow up with these learned fears. You learn them from your parents. Your learn them from your family. You learn them from certain circumstances. So what happens is that I don't care how many job opportunities you have or how many offers you have to do certain things, if you're afraid, they you won't take the next step. And a lot of it, you know, a lot of fear comes from low self-esteem and not feeling valued. And so when you have low self-esteem, you can't do anything. You can talk the good game. You know, you can go out and you can over-analyze and you can prepare yourself and stay in school the rest of your life trying to get ready, but when it comes down to it, you're dealing with your personal fears. So we have to overcome those fears and that's part of the success process, you know, to take advantage of the opportunities that this country has to offer.

Holloway:
And speaking of those advantages, you know, Don King says, "Only in America. Only in America." But many Blacks - and this in no secret - are still fearful of the white person, that they have something out against you. They're not going to treat you right. They're not going to treat you fair. What do you have to say about those Blacks that still have that fear and distrust?

Graham:
It starts with yourself. It's not about white America. It's not about white folks. It's not about the external. It's always about the internal. It's always about you. So what we have to do is work on ourselves, so when you walk in you feel like you have some value, you feel like somebody. And so people respond to you based on how you respond to them. So what we have to do - if you want to create excellence in your life, work on yourself. If you want to have a good relationship with your family, with your spouse, work on yourself. If you want to have a good relationship with your peers at work, work on yourself. Because, you know, you become a resource base for other people and people gravitate toward winners. So the more you invest in yourself, the more you have to offer and the more you can tap into this American free enterprise system to improve the quality of your life and your family's life. That's what it's all about.

Holloway:
I probably have seen this on Oprah's show, but even others, where even Blacks and whites sometimes fear African American youth in terms of coming in. So what would you say to whites, and even Blacks, who when you see African American youth walk in, all of a sudden you may think, "Oh!" you know, something negative or fear.

Graham:
Well, I would say that what we have to do is really kind of focus, still focus on ourselves and be an example to our young people. And I think that that's part of the problem. We failed our young people. We haven't been the example that we should. We kind of sold out to corporate America in terms of dollars. We sold out to moving out of our neighborhoods and not building the communities where Black folks have come from, not going back, you know, once we've become more successful. And so our young people are an example of our lack of involvement and also our lack of leadership. And we have a lack of leadership in this country, you know, as a Black race. As an African American culture, our leadership is very, very poor and what it's really all about, it's really all about leadership. Because you can do anything you want to do if you are able to manage it, if you're able to lead, if you're able to get involved and if you're able to serve as an example to other people.

Holloway:
Well, that's a good introduction to your step 6 is Pilot the Seasons of Change. How do you do that?

Graham:
Well, you have to be flexible. You have to realize that you are going to have some obstacles in life and some problems. And you have to try to flow with the stream. I know for a long time I resisted, you know, being involved, my relationship because it was so public and everything, and so I would always stand back. Now I say, you know what, I can't afford to do that anymore because it destroys me. What I had to do was I had to develop my own identity. I had to make it work for me. So even though people may know me through my association with Oprah, you know, this is my third book. The first book I wrote was The Ultimate Guide to Sports Event Management Marketing which I teach a course at Northwestern University Kellogg School of Business. The second book You Can Make It Happen, the third book You Can Make It Happen Every Day, and I'm working on my fourth book for Simon and Schuster. So, you know, it doesn't make any difference what your family background is, what your association is, what people, how people identify you, it all comes back to you investing in yourself and creating excellence in your life so you understand who you are as a person and then that is where the power is. That is where the power of influence is. To be able to be yourself, no matter what people call you, no matter how people define you, is be you everything single day. And if you can do that, you've got all of the power and influence you will ever need in your life.

Holloway:
Let me pause right there and ask you, which I know you've put a lot of thought into because this is kind of focused also not only in adults but youth, but your background is in sports and marketing, and you talked about this course in your other books. But what about all of our, the majority of our African-American youth thinking that they can make it as a professional athlete and this whole idea of athletics and this whole idea of, about you can make it happen.

Graham:
I would say that it is our fault that 67% of African-American men in this country think they are going to be Michael Jordan and so they don't study, they don't get any training and skills, and so what they become is they want to become a basketball player. And they spend all their time on the basketball court and they don't get a high school education. And they drop out and they end up, because they want to make a living, they want to be somebody, they end up in jail somewhere. And that is why our jails are filled with black men in this country. So, what I say is that it is our responsibility to change the message. And in changing the message we have to get the message to the leaders of our country so that they can give the right message and stop giving the message that we have to be victims and that we have to blame white America and that we have to blame the government. We can't blame anybody but ourselves. We have to focus on our own excellence. We have to focus on our own problems. We have to deal with our own kids. We used to do that. And so what we have to do is we have to redefine the message again. And stop having our young people use the crutch of blaming it on somebody else. It is our fault, it is our responsibility, and it is our lives.

Holloway:
So this book, I must say, I was going to talk about that at the end, is easily readable. I mean, it is very easy to read. It is a step by step process. So you also would suggest that parents can use this as a step in terms of guiding their children in a direction.

Graham:
It is great for young people because it gives them an early start. If I knew this 20 years ago or when I was coming up, the success process. And some families teach it. Some families who their father, mother are in business and so they learn the process of success. I didn't have that opportunity because my parents were hard workers but they didn't understand how to maximize their potential in the American free enterprise system. And they did not understand how the American free enterprise system worked. So, what I'm trying to do is get people early on to tell people how the process works. And this is not just for young people. This is for adults working every single day. This is for business people. I get letters all across the country from people saying "you know, you changed my life because now I think a different way and I have some tools." Because I talk about the how. People say, well, you can do this and you can do that. That is fine. But how. How do you do it. So, what I want to do is give people tools to show them how to improve the quality of your life. I'm going to be fine. You're going to be fine. But we are talking about investing in yourself. What about you? And show me the way. This is some of the information that I received over the years that people don't talk about. This is the secret stuff. This is the successful stuff that successful people have that say "you know what, I'm just going to be quiet, I'm not going to say one thing, you work it out."

Holloway:
Step 7, Build Your Dream Team. How do you do that?

Graham:
No man makes it alone. No man or woman is an island unto themselves. So what we have to do is we have to build a team of people who will support us, friends, families, business associates. You can't run this television show by yourself.

Holloway:
That's right.

Graham:
You've got to have a whole bunch of people to make this work. You do your part, but everybody else does their part. That is how it works. And so when you think, when your ego is so big that you think you can just go out here and do anything you want to do by yourself and it is going to work, you are wrong. It is not going to happen. And it is not going to happen as effectively as it would happen if you build a team and a dream team that will support you and your goals and your visions.

Holloway:
Step 8, Win By Decision.

Graham:
Life is about making the right decision. You can make the right decision, you can make the wrong decision. You can take the high road, you can take the low road. And a lot of that is based on the right information. And if you have the wrong information and if you've had the wrong information for years and years and years and you are doing the same thing you've been doing for years and years and years, you are going to get the same results. So, if you want to do something differently you get new information and you do things differently and you'll get different results. And life is about making the right choices.

Holloway:
Your last step is Commit To Your Vision.

Graham:
Consistency. Doing the same things over and over and over and improving upon the process. Getting up the same hours every morning. You know, I get up at 5:30 in the morning, I'm in the gym at 6:00. That is a part of my routine. I'm at work at certain hours, I work a certain number of hours during the day. And so there is a routine there. And so what you have to do is you have to develop consistency. And, you know, power and influence and strength over time. So, it is every single day, plugging at it, plugging at it. And people are not overnight successes. Oprah, of course, we were talking about her, she's been in television since she was 17 years of age. There are no overnight successes. People are successful, people think they came out of nowhere. No. They've been doing this for years and years and years and years and finally they got a break. And now they can reap some benefits of working every single day in all kinds of adverse situations. And so it is consistency over time.

Holloway:
We just have a few minutes left, but you are talking to a state-wide audience in North Carolina. What are your North Carolina connections. What brought you here in the summer of 1998.

Graham:
Well, I have a family reunion. We have about 700-800 family members converging on the state of North Carolina. And I've been here, I've played in the _____ here, my family is from Lake Waccamaw, North Carolina. We're from Raleigh/Durham, we're from Greensboro. My family, we are part of the Spalding descendents. And it is a wonderful thing to be able to be in North Carolina. I love the state of North Carolina, I love the people here. I used to visit here every summer, visit my grandmother. My father and mother are from North Carolina and my father is buried in the state of North Carolina. So, this is home for me.

Holloway:
Well, you and I have a mutual mentor who I think, well, you got part of your professional training when you used to work here, before you moved to Chicago.

Graham:
Right. I worked in High Point for a gentleman called Bob Brown who is a mentor of mine and he is, and you know, that is what you need. He was, he is a strong leader and it was a pleasure being able to work for him and also be a friend of his. You know, we play a lot of golf, we travel a lot together. And I can't say enough about North Carolina. This weather is wonderful.

Holloway:
Even the humidity.

Graham:
Oh, it is great. Raleigh/Durham, this area is growing and I'm just having a great time and I can't wait to get back to the next time, to the next visit.

Holloway:
Now, this show is not your normal tabloid show, we have a few minutes left and everybody wants to know about you and Oprah, when you're going to get married.

Graham:
Right. You're the first one that's ever asked that question before.

Holloway:
Really?

Graham:
So, congratulations to you. We kind of, I've been married before. I have a daughter that is 23-years-old, graduated from Wellesley College, is doing very well. And you know, it is not just something that we focus on that much. And I guess when it happens it happens. You know, both of us are very busy and, you know, we want to be able to stay together. And the divorce rate now is about 60%, so we work on having a good time and enjoying each other, and if it happens, you know, listen, I'll be happy for it and I hope she will too. But right now it is not relevant in our lives right now.

Holloway:
Well, I want to congratulate you and thank you for coming to Black Issues Forum and talking with us here in North Carolina and look forward to seeing you throughout our state.

Graham:
Thank you so much. My pleasure.

Holloway:
Maybe we all have something to learn from Stedman Graham, about climbing the steps to a better life, especially those of us who are of African descent. I read his book You Can Make It Happen - A Nine Step Plan For Success, and I advise you if you haven't done so already, to Check Your ID, Create Your Vision, Develop Your Travel Plan, Master The Rules Of The Road, Step Into The Outer Limits, Pilot The Seasons Of Change, Build Your Dream Team, Win By Decision and Commit To Your Vision. Next Friday night at 11:00 on Black Issues Forum, more on race relations in North Carolina and another town hall meeting. Contact us with your comments at the numbers on your screen and of course you may visit us on the World Wide Web at www.unctv.org/bif or e-mail us bif@unc.org. Thanks for watching Black Issues Forum. We'll leave you tonight with your neighbors comments about Black Issues. I'm your host, Jay Holloway, you have a blessed evening and a good night.