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Episode #1821
Blended
Families
Lewis: Mitchell Lewis, Host
Davis: Eula Mathis Davis, M.S.C., Life Strategist, Social
Worker
Solomon: Marilyn Solomon, wife, stepmother
M. Black: Maria Black, wife, stepmother
R. Black: Randy Black, husband, stepfather
Brumby: Jim Brumby, clinician
Lewis:
If
you are divorced or single and thinking about marrying someone
with children you may be heading for some unsuspected realities
in your new marriage. Coming up next on Black Issues Forum
we’ll discuss marrying into or becoming a part of a
blended family.
Voiceover:
This program was made possible by contributions to UNC-TV
from viewers like you. Thank you.
[THEME
MUSIC]
Lewis:
Good evening everyone. Welcome to Black Issues Forum.
I am Mitchell Lewis. According to the Stepfamily Association
of America, one third of Americans are stepparents, stepchildren
or are member of a stepfamily. While numbers of first time
marriages are ending in divorce many divorcees are remarrying.
These marriages are often to divorced parents with children.
According to this evening’s guests being a stepparent
or becoming a part of a stepfamily can be the toughest task
a couple will endure in their relationship. We have three
special guests tonight to give us some insights into blended
families or stepfamilies. Eula Mathis Davis is a life strategist
and social worker. She provides supportive counseling and
community outreach services to adults and children. Marilyn
Solomon is a wife and parent and is a mother who is the parent
to children that she brought into the marriage from a previous
marriage. Joining us by telephone is Maria Black—wife
and stepmother. Maria is the parent of four children—two
that are stepchildren. To all of you, welcome to Black
Issues Forum.
Davis:
Thank you.
Solomon:
Thank you.
M.
Black: Nice to be with you.
Lewis:
Eula, I’ll start off with you. From a counselor’s
standpoint—what is your definition of a blended family?
Davis:
Mitch I consider it being a reconstituted family that
is formed by the union of marriage including two adults that
are also bringing in stepchildren and stepparents and now
forming a new relationship and union.
Lewis:
Why did you decide to get involved in this type of counseling?
Davis:
I have always considered it rather amazing how our journeys
come together and the paths that we have. I was a member as
a child of a blended family. I went through all of the issues
that children feel—not understanding why this is happening
and dealing with my birth mother and father and all the stepchildren.
That led me right on into college once I became an adult.
I made the decision that this is the kind of work that I want
to do because I have this experience. I really want to help
everybody in those families be healthy.
Lewis:
Marilyn, tell us a little bit of how your blended family
came about.
Solomon:
When my husband and I met he had two children—three
sons I should say. I had two sons. From our union we had two
daughters. That brought it to seven.
Lewis:
It is close to that Brady Bunch?
Solomon:
Yes.
Lewis:
Maria, what is your story? How did your blended family
come about?
M.
Black: When I met my husband he had two kids—a boy
and a girl. I had a daughter from my prior marriage and then
about four years into the marriage we decided to have a child
of our union. So, that gives us the four kids—his, hers,
and ours.
Lewis:
Eula, with blended families there are a lot of misconceptions.
What do you see as some misconceptions as it relates to blended
families?
Davis:
The number one thing I would say is that most people somehow
feel like it is just not going to work. That is a misconception—that
there is no way that all of them can come together, be effective,
and be good parents who really enjoy life. That is one of
the number one problems—there are other people involved
around them that continue to remind them that it is not going
to work. That creates a problem in itself.
Lewis:
Maria, I’m going to go back to you? What do you
see as some of the misconceptions that you have heard of that
haven’t been quite true in your blended family?
M.
Black: I agree with Eula. I do believe that a lot of people
think are said to fail. I also believe that one important
factor in assuring that that family is successful has to do
with the nature of the expectations of the two people that
are getting into the marriage. A lot of people do not come
with realistic expectations. It is mainly all fantasies and
then they come to realize that it takes work but it can be
successful.
Lewis:
Marilyn, what have you seen as some of the misconceptions?
Solomon:
I agree with Eula first. You get a lot of negatives from
people saying that it cannot work. When you come together
there are things that you will encounter. Children trying
to play two ends against the middle. You have to sit down
as a team and be able to talk about it and work through some
of the problems that you are going to encounter.
Lewis:
Thank you ladies. We will get back to this conversation in
just a moment. First, producer/director Thomas Todd visited
Randy and Maria Black, a blended family in Wilmington. You
just heard from Maria. You will see how their family came
together and functions. Here is there story.
R.
Black: If I had known it was going to be like this, we
would not have done this. That is not saying that we didn’t
love each other and didn’t care for one another but
there were just so many surprises.
Voiceover:
For many remarried couples like Randy and Maria Black there
are unsuspecting realities that can sometimes overshadow earlier
fantasies of having a perfect marriage.
M.
Black: Some of the biggest misconceptions about going
into a second marriage are that because you have already been
married before you think you know it all or you know a lot
about it. The truth is that that is not the case.
Voiceover:
Married for nearly seven years, Randy and Maria began their
relationship like most couples who fall in love and get married.
As divorcees their marriage started with some opposition from
family members.
R.
Black: Carmen and Christian where so close knit with me
that they didn’t want anything or anyone to interfere
with that. I would say to Carmen and Christian, “Maria
is not trying to replace your mother.” I don’t
believe I was very convincing and still to this day there
is always this constant conflict in that area.
Lewis:
Now we are back. Let’s go to Maria since that piece
was about you and your family. What have been some of the
positives of being in a blended relationship and a blended
family?
M.
Black: Some of the positive things or one of the greatest
thing is in spite of the challenges we do know and everybody
is assured that we love each other and care for each other.
We are there for each other at any time. In spite of differences
or somebody not agreeing with something that was said or requested,
if anybody gets hurt or the baby is upset or we have to reprimand
somebody—the little girl. They will come saying, “What
is going on? What happened?” Everybody takes up for
each other. If somebody gets hurt then they are there. They
say, “Are you okay?” or, “Maria I heard
that you broke your finger. Are you okay? I’m sorry.
We love you. Call me if you need me.” We are there for
each other. I think that is just very, very rewarding for
everyone.
Lewis:
Marilyn in your family what do you see as some of the
positives of being part of a blended family?
Solomon:
The first one of the positives that I saw is my children
going from calling my husband, “Rich” to calling
him, “Dad.” Then, it was us building on goals
together and us working together to instilling the positives
of morals and understanding in their everyday walk of life.
Then, just to see the recreation come together where the boys
would sit down and watch wrestling and go on little outings.
They would just do things—rough around with him. The
things that I started yelling, “Ouch!” for when
they started roughing with me. They were able to do that with
him. It just brought real joy to me to see it.
Lewis:
Eula, as a counselor what are some of the blended family
issues that you have had to deal with from some of your clients?
Davis:
I was smiling when Marilyn was saying that because one
of the main things that happens is it is very difficult to
get African American men to come in and do “Counseling.”
They just feel like, “There is nothing wrong with me.
I’m not coming in and let anyone analyze me.”
When I get past that to just say this is a team approach.
We are going to sit down together collectively. We are going
to look at every aspect. When I work with blended families
everybody is involved. All the children and everything. That
dialogue that comes between all of them—the children
that came from the other marriage and the ones that came from
the other… It just creates that communication. I also
work with the fathers or the mothers who are outside of that
relationship. It is a team approach. If everyone is not on
the same table then it creates all kinds of problems. The
children love it because it gives them an opportunity to say
all the things that they feel are not right. They are hoping
that I am going to fix it and make the parents do the right
thing. It ends up being one of the best things they can do
when the whole family is involved.
Lewis:
Maria, what are some of the challenges that you have had to
face in being part of a blended family?
M.
Black: One of the challenges and the one that has been
the most difficult to deal with is not being necessarily together,
my husband and I, as far as discipline issues. It seems like
when there is not an agreement between the parents as to what
are the guidelines and what is going to be then like Eula
just said then the kids will try to pick and play one against
the other. That is probably one of the biggest challenges
that we’ve had. We are not there anymore but we were
there for quite a long time.
Lewis:
Marilyn, what do you see in your family as far as those
challenges if you will?
Solomon:
First it is the boys trying to play two ends against the
middle. When it comes to asking for things my boys are coming
to me and his boys are going to him. In trying to direct them,
his boys say, “My mother said.” My boys say, “Mom
said.” Sometimes him just kind of stepping back and
trying to take it all in to see where I am going to go with
it—to see if I am going to be a support to him and me
seeing if he was going to be a support to me when it came
to issues that really took both of us instead of one of us.
Lewis:
Eula, in counseling how would you go about addressing
a situation like that?
Davis:
One of the first things that I really work with with families
is to develop family meetings. We must have a family meeting
where everyone has a voice in terms of what is the biggest
issue that is going on. This means that the children also
become the chairperson of one of those meetings. You set up
an agenda so that you can discuss what your issues are. The
children are so good at the manipulation skills between the
parents. They understand well how to do it. The parents sometimes
don’t have a clue what is going on and they are playing
them. We set up that family meeting and that is the first
thing that I want to do. Let us develop that and come up with
an agenda so that everyone is on the same table. Otherwise,
the children know exactly how to handle it and how to create
chaos.
Lewis:
Thank you again ladies. As Maria mentioned earlier one
of the issues for blended families is the disciplining of
children. We return to Randy and Maria Black to see how they
are dealing with this issue.
Voiceover:
According to Jim Brumby, a clinician, one of the major hurdles
that remarried couples have to master is blending their families
when kids are involved. He admits that The Brady Bunch
and other television shows depiction of blended families
are not realistic models to follow.
Brumby:
Aside from the fact that The Brady Bunch was a
television show in which the scripts were able to control
what people did and said, which can’t be done in your
blended family—you have to be adaptive and you have
to be able to be flexible on a day by day basis. Therefore
if you do look for your life to resemble a television show
you are going to be bitterly disappointed.
Voiceover:
From Randy’s point of view creating stepfamilies
is mixing together two different ways of life that challenge
old norms but need new rule.
R.
Black: I came in with the expectation when we got married
that I’d do my job and go do my thing. Maria would be
here to kind of reinforce things here at home. That is not
the case.
M.
Black: Because of his personality it is harder for him
to follow through with it.
Lewis:
We are back with our discussion on blended families. I’ll
start with you Marilyn. How does your family go about dealing
with those discipline issues?
Solomon:
It has to be teamwork between me and my husband. The children
will then start to say, “Dad wouldn’t do it this
way or Mom wouldn’t do it this way.” We have to
sit them down and let them know that we have each other’s
back when it comes to discipline. If you do something wrong
Momma is in agreement with the way I am going to discipline
you and I am in agreement with Dad. Or else you will have
them running back and forth, “Mom! Did you see what
Dad did? He told me I can’t go such and such a place.
Do you think that is fair?” That is going to cause a
lot of confusion.
Lewis:
Maria I’m going to go back to you. I’m going
to shift gears just a little bit. Sometimes the children feel
as if they don’t get the attention that they once had
before they became a part of a blended family. How do you
deal with that?
M.
Black: It is important for them to know that one thing
does not have to do with the other. The fact that they still
have to have discipline and structure doesn’t mean that
they are not to participate and to be made aware of things
that are going on in the family. We reassure them that we
love them and that what they think is important. Taking their
opinion into consideration if it is feasible for whatever
plans we may have—we go with their idea or do different.
We do assure them that what they think is definitely important
and that they are welcome to share their ideas and opinions.
If they are not happy about something then we just talk about
it.
Lewis:
Marilyn, your thoughts on children and attention? How
do you go about taming that area?
Solomon:
First, it brings to mind one of the things that my children
did ask. They did say, “Are you sill going to love us
now that you are getting married.” We had to sit down
and tell them, “This is a family. We are coming together
as a family. We will spend time together. We will still do
things together. We will sit down and talk things over. We
will get what you want to say and listen to the things that
you have to say to us as well as share with you the things
that we need to share.” We take trips together and we
do a lot of things together. I think we do more with the children
than we get to do together. [LAUGHTER] Trying to just keep
that balance and them knowing that we are all one unit.
Lewis:
Eula, I am going to address this question to you first
being the expert here. In some cases being a stepparent means
that at sometimes you have to have encounters with the child’s
other parent. How does one go about keeping that situation
cordial?
Davis:
One of the things as I mentioned earlier that I hear almost
immediately is unresolved issues between those parents. They
haven’t come to terms with some of the things that created
the divorce and they bring that into the relationship with
the children. That is the first thing that I want them to
do. Let’s work on the fact that you are divorced and
you live in two different worlds. Whatever the issues were
that caused you not to be together—the children do not
need to be a part of this. The new union does not need to
be a part of this. Let’s not play games. Let’s
do the work that we need to do to let that be over. Otherwise,
if it is unresolved and one is still loving the other—one
is still jealous because the other one got married—all
of those things will boil right over into the new relationship.
The most important thing, Mitch, is that the kids pick up
on it right away. The kids know and that is because they are
sometimes trying to get them back together. They are feeling
that they aren’t totally separated. It has to be a clear
message that unresolved issues between you two need to be
resolved.
Lewis:
Maria, let’s get back to you in this conversation.
What are your thoughts of encountering the other parent? How
do you deal with that?
M.
Black: Thankfully in our case things are pretty cordial
and amicable. We do indeed get along. It has not been hard
to be cordial to one another and as a matter of fact we have
indeed been to functions where the other parents are present
as well. We are able to manage that well. It is good for the
kids. That has not been a bad situation.
Lewis:
Marilyn, your thoughts on that?
Solomon:
We had to come to terms with the fact that it is not about
us; it is about the children. If we don’t focus on the
children and lay aside our differences and be able to be adult
enough to lay them aside and keep focus on the children and
their welfare we would see that a lot of confusion can come
in there. We’ve been able to lay that aside and focus
on the children. We let the children know, “You are
not betraying us if you go with your birthparent.” The
birthparent has to let the children know also, “You
are not betraying me if you come and you do things with your
stepparent.” That is so important because the kids feel
that they are being pulled in the middle. We have to let them
know and comfort them in knowing that it is okay to go with
either parent.
Lewis:
Eula, are there any support services available to families
who are perhaps having problems?
Davis:
Yes. There are a number of agencies that specialize within
the Wake County area. I know they specialize in working completely
with these families. The most important thing is for people
to be okay about asking for help. One of the things that I
do with Peaceful Journeys, which is my company, is that I
try to do support groups. Support groups are anywhere from
four weeks to maybe even twelve. The people are going to come
in every week and for an hour and half you are going to be
able to work through these issues. Usually out of a support
group we will lead people into counseling. They will take
a support group first and then they will consider, “I
found out some things about myself and I need to do it.”
There are a number of nonprofit agencies that do an excellent
job of working with the whole family in Wake County.
Lewis:
To try and wrap this up—I’ll talk to all three
of you on this question. I think I’ll start off with
you Maria. What advice would you give to people who are considering
creating a blended family?
M.
Black: I would say that one thing is anything that can
be done to resolve potential stepfamily problems before marriage
is definitely going to have a positive impact later on. I
would say to attend stepparenting workshops. Look and see
if there are any in your area. Look for stepparenting support
groups. Make any arrangements to visit or to listen or talk
to other people that may have already been in the blended
family experience. Above all, just try to prepare the children.
Talk to them and let them know what you are about to do and
just what to realistically expect.
Lewis:
Marilyn, your thoughts.
Solomon:
First of all you need to close yourself to all the negatives
that are going to be shot at you. Sit down with your intended
blended family and talk with them. Talk with the children.
Let them get an understanding of what is going to take place.
I would, myself, go to pastoral counseling. I would sit with
the pastor and sit with the children. Sit with the husband-to-be.
Sit and talk and get the views from the children—their
concerns. Some of the things that they may not want to say
before me and my husband-to-be they will say before the pastor
or before a counselor. You can get some of these issues ironed
out before you go in. Many times we go in with The Brady
Bunch connection that it is going to be peachy creamy
and everything is going to be nice and easy. If you sit down
and you talk about the issues that you intend to foresee,
I think it will make it a smoother journey.
Lewis:
We’ll have to stop it right here ladies. Thank you
for watching Black Issues Forum. Good night.
[THEME
MUSIC]
Voiceover:
This program was made possible by contributions to UNC-TV
from viewers like you. Thank you.
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